onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
