Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
