If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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