you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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