Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize