There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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