I wish I only lived at night.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
