when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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