My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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