I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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