2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
