my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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