Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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