made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
