I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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