We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
