I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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