I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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