We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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