You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
