Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
