Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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