It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
