2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
