who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
they're like a gay fantastic four
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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