you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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