The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
