I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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