At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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