yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Someone signed my nipple.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
