I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
