we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
