she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
