i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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