There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Are my feet made of real feet?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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