Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
