if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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