Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
