It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
