In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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