im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
