She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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