in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize