I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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