You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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