just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize