Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
