I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
