if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
