Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
