If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
