I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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