You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
