my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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