i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
