the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
