sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
