I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
