I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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