last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
