If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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