Yo dont text me then not text me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
