also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
