take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
