So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize