All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize