He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
