I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
